The first three weeks were quite exciting for me. I was very motivated and always busy – Focusing on who I wanted to be and what I wanted to create, doing my self practice, teaching my neighbours, students, FB lives and my side job as well as studying.
Then all of a sudden I crashed. I realised I was doing, not being. Putting pressure on myself to be perfect, to serve others and give, trying to be someone who I think I should be and I totally forgot about myself.
Trying to prove and was too much in the future.
I felt like I was going back and losing myself.
Too much in past or future.
Maybe I was in denial about the virus and that was my way of coping.
There’s no right or wrong way to cope for all of us.
It started to become very challenging from week 4, old patterns were coming up. Deep wounds from the past that I thought I had dealt with but also I was constantly judging myself for not being enough, not doing enough and especially I realised I attached my identity as a yoga teacher.
I felt pressure to practice and if I did not then I was a bad yoga teacher.
Or if it wasn’t how it was ‘supposed’ to be (the ideal morning ritual) then I was a fake, a fraud.
To be honest after seven weeks of not being able to walk or to go outside I felt stuck and was holding on to many things, lots of uncertainty but I guess that’s when I had to surrender and also embrace uncertainty.
To drop the pressure I was putting on myself.
I even started to doubt myself and my path.
Why am I doing this?
Who am I?
Maybe even now I still don’t know.
But today I accept I know nothing and I accept I don’t know.
Today walking and skating for the first time in 7 weeks.
I felt so free and alive for the first time in a while to be able to express and move my body.
Seeing life, people and movement outside put a big grin back on my face.
As actually I don’t really have that much space in my room to move freely, a single bed, no window and just about enough room for my mat but I know this is a lot more than others.
But being in 4walls was not easy.
Moving my body helps me move my state and my emotions.
Movement is freedom for me and a big part of my life.
Everything is a meditation if you want is to be and that also made me realise that I don’t have to put pressure on myself to be anything or how to do anything.
Especially when it come to yoga.
I have a choice and can bring yoga to everything.
I am not perfect.
I am imperfect.
A working progress.
I have flaws just as everyone else.
And if anything I don’t want to feel I have to be anyone else or do anything than be myself.
I have learnt so much in this time and that the most important is to find your own answers and what’s true for you.
Not what others say but what do you want?
What do you believe?
Not what everyone else is saying.
For me I’m still working it out and that’s ok.
All I want to be is true.
Yoga for me is not about the poses.
It’s that feeling as soon as I get on the mat that everything else drops I get to be me and that doesn’t have to be all the time for me.
It’s a choice and there when I feel it.
The real practice of yoga for me is off the mat.